Farmer jokes are like deer hunting jokes...lots of them. A guy shoots a deer and is dragging it by a back leg through the woods headed for the truck and another hunter tells him it would be a whole lot easier to drag the deer if he would get a hold of the deer's horns to drag him instead of his back leg. So the guy gets a hold of the deer's horns and starts dragging. After he has been dragging the deer by the horns awhile he stops, gets out his compass, studies it, grabs the deer by a back leg and starts dragging...
We have a neighbor that farms half of Barton County. His name is Gary Dumm. He is anything but what his name implies. Gary is a regular mover and shaker. When it comes to innovation, land acquisition, destruction of wildlife habitat and bigger is better... Gary is head of the pack. Farmers are "monkey see monkey do" and Gary sets the pace for most irrigation pivots, most grain storage, biggest machine/shop buildings, biggest and most equipment, most habitat destruction, most chemical use and Gary doesn't want to own all of Barton County...just what is next to him. I get a laugh out of these farmers around here. The latest fad is who can build the biggest buildings. All aspiring farmers now have machine shops they could hold major league baseball games in. I could train bird dogs in there. Makes you wonder where all these farmers are coming up with the money it takes to buy million dollar combines, build million dollar buildings and have half a million dollar irrigation pivots on every piece of ground they farm. Oh I forgot...government subsidy. Federal crop insurance, building subsidies, irrigation subsidies and just general all around free federal government money that comes from Farm Bill subsidies. We the people are on our own... but when it comes to farming there is the dole. Bear with me and we will let Gary be the farmer in these farmer jokes. Everyone has probably heard this sampling of farmer jokes... but for those who haven't read on.     

Gary is plowing in a field and sees that he has plowed up a bottle. He gets off the tractor to have a look at the bottle and starts wiping off the dirt when out pops a genie. The genie tells Gary he can have one wish and it can't be for three more wishes. So Gary thinks for a minute and tells the genie that he has always wanted to visit Hawaii but he is scared of boats and planes. He wants the genie to build him a bridge and a highway over the ocean to Hawaii. The genie says to Gary that he needs to realize the magnitude of the task he is asking and maybe he could think again for something a little easier. So Gary thinks a m inute and says that he has always had a hard time understanding his wife and he wants the genie to fix it so he is able to understand the way women think. Now its the genie's turn to think a minute and he says...would you like two lane or four? 
 
These two guys are out Pheasant hunting one day and pull into a farm house to ask permission to hunt. There are NO HUNTING signs all over the place and they are thinking it is a big waste of time to even ask. One guy stays in the truck and the other guy goes up and knocks on the door. Gary comes to the door and the guy introduces himself and explains to Gary that him and his buddy are Pheasant hunting and would like to ask permission to hunt on Gary's land. Gary turns out to be just a heck of a nice guy and tells him sure it will be OK for them to hunt, but he has a little job for them to do in exchange. He points out a skinny old milk cow standing across the fence and explains that the old cow is on it's last leg and that he was going to call the vet that very day to have the old cow put down and bury her with the tractor, but in exchange for allowing them to hunt on his farm he wanted to ask them to put the old cow down for him and save him the cost of a vet bill. He says just do a good job and be efficient is all he asks. So the guy says "no problem" he can do that and tells Gary how much he appreciates him letting them hunt his farm and that he will take care of it right away. On the way to the truck he gets the brilliant idea to have a little fun with his buddy... so when he gets back to the truck he tells his buddy"...well that was a big waste of time! He said no! we can't hunt and...can't you read!" Then he tells his buddy " I think I'll just teach that ornery old codger a lesson and shoot that cow standing over there"!!!  So he grabs his shotgun out of the truck, runs over to the cow and "BOOOM" shoots the cow. Thinking this all great fun he heads back to the truck and about then he hears "BOOOM" and here comes his buddy and says..."we sure enough taught that old codger a lesson he'll never forget...I got the horse too"!!!                         

Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn...the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers... "hey! this cow over here is badly hurt"..."BOOOM" shoots the cow and states... "I put the poor thing out of it's misery"... the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary..."Are you hurt?"  Gary says..."no,no! I'm just fine,not hurt at all"....

Gary has a hen house and every farmer knows that a good Rooster keeps things perked up around the hen house. So when ol' Red starts to slow down Gary begins looking for his replacement. Gary buys another young Rooster from the next farm over and brings him home. The new Rooster approaches ol' Red and informs him that he is the new Rooster on the block and it is time for ol' Red to retire. Red tells the young Rooster that he isn't over the hill just yet and challenges the young Rooster to a race. The young Rooster chuckles at that and says sure he'll race. Ol Red tells the young Rooster if he was any kind of a real sport he would give the old Rooster a head start. The young Rooster says not a problem and they plan the race to be twice around the house and twice around the chicken yard to the finish line. First thing in the morning they are off... Red rounds the corner of the house flapping his wings and squawking every step of the way with the young Rooster hot on his tail. Gary is sitting on the front porch drinking his morning coffee when they round the corner and headed his way. He jumps up, runs into the house and comes back out with his twelve gauge. About that time they round the corner again and Red goes by flapping his wings and squawking indignantly..."BOOOM" Gary shoots the young Rooster! Gary's wife comes running out of the house and wants to know what in the world is going on. Gary tells his wife he had to shoot the new Rooster and he was going to have to have a talk with the farmer down the road and ask for his money back...that Rooster he got from him was ...Gay!    

Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man "what are you going to do with that..." and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says " put it on your strawberries...!!!" and the Amish man says " yah... put it on my strawberries... it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries" and Gary says... " we put whipped cream on our strawberries...!"

So the moral to the story is... hope for the impossible, don't judge a farmer by his signs, never trust a old Rooster and it's all in the way you look at it...